It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it

The greatest drive of my mothering is protection based in the most intense love possible. Almost from the moment I was pregnant it was about the survival of my child. It was not an easy pregnancy. There were weeks vomiting my insides out worrying about nutrition. More weeks of praying she was still alive at the all too frequent ultrasounds. Finally we get to birth and the first night spent in NICU. By the time I finally had my baby there was nothing I would not say, do, be, create for my child. I would battle to the death to protect that demanding little creature.

Fortunately, as months go on we mothers forget the traumas of pregnancy. A small amount of sanity returns to our brains, usually when the child is a toddler and just destroyed something that was priceless. But then it’s “I may yell at my baby, but heaven help the person who would dare say the same thing.”

It is also in those toddler years that I came to the most alarming conclusion of my life. To be a good parent I will have to let my child be “hurt.” I don’t mean the little boo boo pain. I mean the gut wrenching, want to die pain that inevitably comes with growing up.

Growth comes from pain. Whether the “simple” physical pains from getting taller or the deep emotional pains of a broken heart, sometimes we have to actually feel it to understand what is happening to us. If I were to medicate every physical pain away would my child learn any pain tolerance or survival skills? Would I not be merely creating a future drug addict? In like fashion, if I did all I could to shield my child from emotional trauma would I not leave them weak and unable to cope with the world? And again, a future drug addict?

Intellectually I know what is true. It is my heart that I find myself engaging with in constant battle. When my child is conflicted, hurting, confused, I want nothing more than to scoop them up and hide them away - to take those problems on myself. But I will not. For I have learned with my children the greatest way to love them is by guidance, not dictates, advice, not rules, consequences, not punishment.

So I offer my children undying love, devotion and a soft place to land. I also give them the freedom of choice and all the consequences that go with those choices - the good, the bad and the ugly. And IF from those choices my kids choose to learn and grow, then I promise… It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it.

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